Let Us Enjoy Aging
I have a lot of thoughts around women and aging. I am 44 years old, recently started perimenopause, and I am really fed up with the things that have been said to me. If you think perimenopause and menopause are about “raging hormones”, you need to study more about it. It is a literal rewiring of the brain through hormonal changes. Hormones don’t just effect mood, they effect the functions of our organs. Adrenal glands will alter and many women will start having thyroid problems during this time. Our thought patterns even change. And since I am already trying to change thought patterns with therapy, it’s like a double whammy. Combine that with some of the things I hear about aging and I just want to scream. Let me break it down for you a bit.
“You Don’t Look Your Age!” “You Look So Young!”
Newsflash people, I look like how I am supposed to look like at my age. There is an underlying assumption that women in their forties have to suddenly look older. That when we hit 40, it’s all downhill from there. Bullshit. Each decade has gotten better and better and I am excited for my 50’s. Women become more self-aware. They suddenly realize they deserve better and won’t put up with crap they have been putting up with for years. They go through serious changes to live a life more authentic to who they are. As far as my looks go? I have wrinkles. I have crows feet around my eyes, laugh lines, and fine lines above my lips. Just because you don’t notice them doesn’t mean they aren’t there. I have genetic makeup that doesn’t allow for quick aging. I also didn’t stay on the drugs as long as many others and therefore, I have been able to retain that same genetic makeup.
Let’s be real honest, I don’t feel like it’s a compliment to tell me I look young. I feel like it continues to perpetuate the idea that women who are aging cannot be beautiful. That our value resides solely on how attractive we are and that attractiveness is maintaining youth. I dare someone to tell Helen Mirren she isn’t beautiful. Aging women are just as beautiful as anyone else. And I am grateful to be able to age.
“You Must Not Have Children” (or “Dealt With Addiction”)
Wrong on both accounts. I have three children and I didn’t start having children until 24. I cannot begin to tell you how wrong these comments are without wanting to rage out loud. The automatic idea that children equates to the aging process is overwhelmingly irritating. For me, it also feels that it places blame on the children and on the woman for choosing to have children. Kids are a blessing and they provide the most amazing experiences a woman can have, if she chooses to have children. Stop using children as a contributor to wrinkles and grey hair.
On the addiction front, I was drinking at 13 and smoking and drugging at 14. I went through rehabilitation and was clean by 18 years old. I did occasionally drink since then, but I don’t set out to get drunk. Now I might have a drink once or twice a year. While my addiction was short lived, it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t an addict. Quicker aging because of drug use is often based on the type of drug used. I never shot up and I focused on pills, blotters, and smoking. Smoking can also contribute to the aging process but it hasn’t for me. I recently quit and who knows if I will see new wrinkles any time soon. I hope so though.
“You Should Go On Hormone Replacement Therapy”
I love this one because it always comes without any warning. I might be fanning myself during a hot flash and out it comes. When I happily announced I was perimenopausal, the flood was intense. Stop, just stop. Know who you are talking to and if that is an acceptable thing to say. I do not want HRT until it becomes a medical necessity. The hot flashes and crazy cycles are just inconveniences and I can deal with those. This is my position and does not mean that other women should not start HRT. It’s a decision between a woman and her doctor. Which also means that when someone announces their change starting, I won’t insist she choose to avoid HRT. It’s simply not my place and it’s no one else’s.
“I Am Sorry”
When I announced I was perimenopausal, this was the first thing out of people’s mouths. What the hell is anyone sorry for? I would literally look at these people and say “What? I am excited!”. Given all the things I have dealt with in my life and dangerous situations I have been in, the fact that I have the opportunity to age feels wonderful. Our bodies aren’t meant to function one specific way for the entirety of our lives. My theory is that it’s the realization of mortality. Quite honestly, I have known my mortality for a long time. It’s inevitable and fighting it is pointless. I can either accept the body changes and enjoy them or I can be miserable trying to be something that I am not.
There is many other things I have heard. My two favorite is “you don’t dress your age” and “your makeup choices make you look young”. I didn’t know that I had to follow a dress code. Who has this dress code? Who created this dress code? I dress in what I like and I am not going to follow some arbitrary dress code with each aging year. My makeup choices are also mine. I like my choices and I don’t care if you think it makes me not my age. Again, I look exactly like I should at my age. Women are not confined to looking a specific way at any age. Stop perpetuating outdated patriarchal ideas and let’s just be ourselves.
